Title to Long See Description

I have basically been living off
coffee and caffeine for about a week and a half now. I think it is starting to
have an effect on me now. I don't walk quite properly it seems, and my mind
flutters away sometimes. I see some things that others don't. I am sometimes
more jumpy, but most of the time I have no energy and feel sleepy. On top of
that I feel somewhat sick because of the lack of food intake I have been using.
I think I have eaten a total of 4 meals worth in the last 9 days, plus coffee
and caffeine products. Awesome huh? This is like beyond the priest diet here
(The “priest diet” consists of a can of coke and a 3-4 chocolate chip cookies).
This is borderline anorexia and it's fucking awesome because I will soon be
able to see beyond reality and into the sub-reality that is not reachable by
the average means of a healthy, straight seeing individual. I am out of my
mind. Last night I received 5 hours of sleep and woke up at 8 in the morning to
get ready for school. James arrived 9. It was early for him, which meant that
he wanted to go to Tim Horton’s before we went to school, and I was all for it.
The drive down the 401 was very uneventful, as it usually is. The radio played
out it’s radio music while we discussed what happened the previous night at work,
upcoming projects, parties, and other such things that sparked our interest at
the time.

Pulling into Tims, I knew exactly
what I was going to get. Café Mochas consist of half hot chocolate and half
coffee with whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles on top. It is very delicious
and for only two dollars for a large it sometimes feels like a steal. It was
decided that we should sit down and enjoy what we had ordered instead of
heading straight to school. We had 20 minutes to spare so why not take advantage
of it. As I sat, drinking my mocha, the thought of going to a concert that
weekend came bursting into my head. “Let’s go to the embassy tomorrow and catch
a few of the bands. I hear the Planet Smashers are playing”.

“What are the Planet Smashers?”

“They’re a ska band. Common it’ll
be fun”

“I don’t think so. That whore will
be there. She will be there. She will be there and she will talk about things
that I have not interest in at all. I wish she would just die in a horribly
slow and painful way. Besides, why do you want to go anyway? Every time we do
end up going, the kids on stage are just screaming and playing badly. It’s
stupid”. I thought about what he said for a moment.

Many things go through your mind in
a single moment. You don’t notice it until you begin to think about it. Your
mind is full of things just flying around, waiting for you to catch them and
use them. Let us call them flying thoughts for the sake of naming them.
Sometimes they are too quick and you can’t quite get them, but you know that
they are there, which sometimes leads you into s state of déjà vu. The closer
you came to grasping that particular flying thought, the longer the feeling of
déjà vu will be. This happens to me more often then I’d like.

“Why don’t we head up to Quebec for
the weekend and hit up the bars?”  I
said before taking the next sip of my delicious mocha, “Then on the way back,
we’ll careen down the highway, swerving rapidly, almost hitting each car as we
weave in and out of the traffic. Then, when the right song comes on, something
with a lot of rock energy, we’ll jerk the truck hard to the right, causing it
to roll continuously down a steep embankment. Flames will burst out from al
sides! “Oh no!” people will scream, “That vehicle has rolled down that steep
embankment and burst into flames! What ever shall we do?” How does that sound?”

James sat there across from me,
taking small bites of his cheese croissant and sipping away at his English
Toffee Cappuccino. He thought about it much longer then I had expected him to,
or maybe he way to catching a flying thought. “I like your concert idea a lot
better, but it still doesn’t make me want to go. Why don’t we go golfing? It’s
not that bad out and it’s not like we have anything important going on today at
school”.

“We just went out golfing yesterday
remember? I shot a 176 and bashed the hell out of the cart with my driver on
the 2^nd because I kept slicing the ball left and right, again and
again. It was a terrible round”. To think just one year ago I thought golf was
a terrible game, and now here I am buying expensive clubs, balls, and gloves
just to shave one or two strokes off my game. “No, we’re going to school today,
besides, we have that seminar crap to do for history”

“Right, right…that thing” he paused
to finish the last little bite of the croissant. “Yeah, you’re right, screw the
golf”

“What about the Embassy tomorrow?”

“No. I’m not going. That place is
haggard and so are the bands. Go ask Scott is he wants to go. He tends to like
things like that”

“Fine, I’ll ask him about it at
lunch. Let’s get going before we’re late for class”. We got up and headed out
for school.

The day of school was not very
uneventful. When we arrived, we were forced to remain in the main office
because of a gas leak in the portables, or so that is what we were told was the
case. That lasted a good hour and a half, which could have been better spent
sleeping at home instead of sitting in an uncomfortable chair. Later, Josh
suffered from a cardiac arrest and was rushed to the hospital. I told him many
times that abusing speed was bad for him and could lead to serious medical
problems, but he would just look at me in disgust and change the topic of
conversation. He would be released from the hospital a week later a little more
wiser and a little less eager to take speed. Scott was down for the Embassy the
next day so the weekend was starting off to not be such a drag. Last weekend I
carved a heartagram into my arm with a razorblade. It started to bleed a bit
but managed to get it under control. I did a pretty good job though. Sure it’s
not as nice as a tattoo, but I didn’t have the money at the time. I pissed it
all away on expensive clothes and extravagant dinners for friends. I like to
think of it as the “poor mans tattoo”, although it’s more along the lines of
scarification

I got home
at 2:30, which is the time I usually get home. James drove me home as he
usually does. The only difference today was that a car in the oncoming lane
decided to try and pass with only about 200 meters until they hit James’ car.
Needless to say we were forced to slow down, lay on the horn, and flip them the
one and only bird. This was the only problem on the way home from school, and
it wasn’t really a problem at all when I think about it. Sure we could have
been killed in a horrible head on collision on a major highway, but we didn’t.

“Hi is
Scott there?”

“Yes, just
one moment please.” There was a few seconds of silence. “Scott! Phone’s for
you!” More silence.

“Hello?”

“Hey Scott,
it’s Alex”

"Hey man, how’s it goin’?”

“Pretty
good. I’m just calling to let see if you need a ride out t the concert tonight
or not”

“No worries
man, the car just got back this morning”

“Oh…okay.
So I’ll see you tonight then?”

“For sure
man”

“Alright
Scott, I shall be seeing you later then”

“Okay man, peace!”

Scott’s car had been in the shop
for about two days now because there was something wrong with the area where
the engine is. I’m not at all familiar with the working parts of a vehicle so I
don’t know what was wrong, just that the car didn’t want to start. I didn’t
want this these plans to end just because of a ride not being available so I
usually check with people if they need things like that in order to save he
precious plans of mine. It was Saturday.

It was only four, and at that time
I told myself to go to sleep and rest up for the concert at nine. So I did. Can
I really deny my body what it believes it needs? Yes, but I didn’t in this
case. I maneuvered myself into bed and got comfortable by tossing and turning
until I found the perfect position. I imagined al of the bands, what they looked
like, their sound, their style, and how many band members in each particular
band. I continued to do this until I fell asleep, which I don’t remember doing
because I never do. I wonder if other people do remember falling asleep…. like
the moment that they do. I’m sure that the beautiful music of Journey continued
to play (music is always playing when I sleep, it’s just something I’ve gotten
used to) even as I am sleeping. But then again, it could stop and then start
again when I awake. In fact, the earth could turn into a giant marshmallow and
everyone, except for me; is making giant smores with the galaxy. “They are
milky,” they would say, “it is the milky way”. No, wait. Do I actually believe
that this could happen while I sleep, or did I just dream that it happens while
I sleep? Anyway, I’m pretty sure I was sleeping, and I slept until 7:30, at
which time the alarm clock went off, beeping and spouting out horrible sounding
noises. I slowly got up and made my way to the edge of the bed where I sat there
for a few minutes listening to the music playing and wondering why the alarm
clock went off. “The Planet Smashers” I said as the thought of the concert came
running into my head. Now I had an hour to get ready and head out the door,
which is just enough time for me. Now I don’t take the whole hour usually, but
I like to have a few minutes extra just in case something happens, lessening
the time that I arrive late, if in fact I do arrive late at all, which is
usually never.

I showered up, got myself all clean
and feeling fresh, threw some hairspray in my hair and did it all up just the
way I like it, and then I put the clothes on that I picked out the night
before, because that’s the sort of thing that I do. Some of my friends think
it’s weird, but their idiots anyway. Okay, just sometimes. Everyone is.

It’s 8:25 and I head out the door
after telling my parents that I was leaving and picking up my cell phone off
the charger and stuck it in my right pant pocket. Started the truck up and was
on my way to the Embassy for the first concert I’ve been to in awhile. Scott
was meeting me there at around nine. There weren’t that many people out on the
road that night, which I found a bit odd. I would imagine everyone going out to
the bars on a Saturday night around this time. I dismissed it and put on some
music by Rage Against The Machine. I don’t know what it was about that song,
but it was such an energy boost. It was crazy to say the least. I turned onto
Highbury heading north. The song was just ending and my cell phone went off,
vibrating and ringing. It played the national anthem of the Soviet Union when
it rang. I try to pull it from my pocket with my right hand, slowly moving it
from its place of refuge. I had to undo my seatbelt to get it out all the way
and answer it. “Hello?”

“Hey man, it’s Scott? Where are
ya?”

“I’m on my way there, on Highbury”

“Sweet deal, I’m on my way too, see
ya in ten”

“Yeah, later” I ended the call
there and put the phone back in my pocket. When I look back up, I see the car
in front of me has slowed down, and I can see there is no way that I’m going to
slow down in time. “Oh shit!” I said almost in a whisper as I quickly pulled to
the right into the other lane. It was a lucky thing that nobody was next to me
in that lane at the time because I didn’t bother to look. I was so relived that
I didn’t hit the car. I could just imagine what my parents would say when I
called them saying I just rear-ended somebody and the truck was smashed and the
other vehicle looked pretty bad as well. It was at this time of reliving that I
wound up on the shoulder of the road. This would have been okay if it wasn‘t
for the concrete barrier that I hit, which was part of an on ramp. The
collision sent both the truck and myself flying and turning in all kinds of
directions. If only my seatbelt had been on….

The truck landed upside down
compressing the roof and making a sound only the depths of hell could have
created. I was thrown to the back after colliding with the steering column,
dashboard, and a seat as I few backwards. Everything stopped moving after that.
It was if time had stopped, as well as everything else. I couldn’t even feel my
own body for the short seconds after the landing. Then it hit me. The wave of
pain that went through my body was so much more that anything I had ever felt
at ant time in my life. I couldn’t move my legs, my chest felt like it was on
fire and somebody had drilled holes into it, letting the fire scorch my
insides. I could just barley take the smallest breaths of air. My scull was
cracked open from my visit with the dashboard. My blood was just making itself
visible right now, as if it were a cowering rodent scared away from the noise
of the crash and coming back again when things calmed down. It started slow,
but moved much quickly as time passed. To make things just a bit worse, it was
very cold out that night. If I were thinking clearly, I might have been
surprise that I could still see and hear, but I was not thinking clearly, I was
bleeding everywhere and I couldn’t breath properly. Cars had stopped on the
road and people began to run over to the upturned truck. Those with cell phones
al called 911, or at least I thought they were since the words “accident” and
“ambulance” were used many times in what sounded like one-sided conversations.
I was very cold. People were yelling for me, asking me if I was all right. “Of
course I’m not fucking all right! My chest has collapsed and my brains are
leaking out of my fucking head!” That is what I wanted to say, but instead I
said nothing. I couldn’t. There was not enough air in my body to do so. Feeling
colder now.

Any light from the road that I
could see was now turning into shades of gray instead of their sickly yellows.
My body hurt so much all over, where I could feel anyway. I felt nauseous. I
was so cold but couldn’t shiver. I wanted to scream but couldn’t speak. I
wanted them to get me out of the crumpled truck, but nobody could. The lights,
and everything else it seemed, faded even further into dark shades of black. I
didn’t know what was happening to me, how could I? This kind of thing doesn’t
happen to me everyday. By now I was literally laying in a pool of my own blood,
but lying isn’t a great way to describe it. I was position more so like a rag
doll thrown away into a corner. The dark shapes that I saw now were no longer
in focus, but wavy unfocused blotches of dark stuff. I felt light headed and
could no longer feel as much pain as I once did. “I’m getting better,” I
thought, and then my eyes ceased to work. I was left now in a perpetual state
of nothingness. My heart slowed down, probably because there was not as much
blood to pump through me now. It was all around me instead. More commotion from
outside as more people came to see what happened, although I wasn’t even thinking
at this point. I was conscious, yet unconscious at the same time. My brain was
running it’s last processes now. I stopped breathing completely. I understood
what was happening to me, but in an unconscious state. My heart stopped
beating. My hearing finally faded out to the sound of and people yelling.
Apparently the ambulance was in site, not that it mattered. My eyes fell
closed.